R.I.P.

Excessive plastic surgery, coke binges in Miami: last night’s season premiere of The Hills was a complete shitshow. Is it possible that, in its last season, The Hills is the most entertaining it’s ever been? It’s no secret that Lauren Conrad was emotionally checked-out during her last two seasons and it made for some pretty bland television. Krsitin Cavallari makes for a much better reality star because, unlike Lauren, she has absolutely no shame and will work for her insanely-inflated paycheck by getting wasted and talking shit freely on-camera.

This season is so intriguing because for once it actually appears to be somewhat authentic. Heidi and Kristin, in particular, can’t conceal the fact that they are becoming casualties of their own fame. Heidi’s nightmarish plastic surgery makeover is perhaps the most real thing to ever happen on the show and that’s why it’s so uncomfortable to watch. We know that the success of The Hills played a large part in creating Heidi’s body dysmorphia/appetite for superstardom and I, for one, can’t help but feel partially responsible for her Frankenstein-on-acid makeover. Meanwhile, Kristin is seriously livin’ la vida Lohan with her thinly-veiled coke problem. My favorite part of the premiere was when the girls wake Kristin up at 3:00 in the afternoon to go to the airport. Two random girls are sleeping in bed with her and when they see the cameras, they immediately split, leaving Kristin alone with buzzkills Audrina, Stephanie and Lo.

What’s even juicier and 100% real is the drama behind Spencer’s recent departure from the show. If there was ever any doubt that Spencer was truly a manipulative prick and not just some guy casted as the villain, they’re gone with the news that he threatened to kill a producer. After Spencer was deemed a threat to the producer’s safety and kicked off, Heidi retaliated (or was forced to retaliate) by slapping creator Adam Divello with a bogus sexual-harrassment lawsuit. Now, Speidi are no longer filming for the show. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you caviar.

I’m excited to see where and how it all ends. Kristin having a romance in rehab? Heidi’s new face melting off during a Los Angeles heatwave? The possibilities are infinite.