Last night, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiered on Bravo for another round of rich girls behaving bizarrely. This installment is of particular significance to me as I once was a resident of Beverly Hills. Yes, it’s true. For four months, I shared a zip code with these delusional divas. (Actually, my zip code was 90212 but lets not split hairs).

People’s negative perceptions of Beverly Hills are deserved. In fact, I’d venture to say that it’s more terrible than you imagine. The plastic surgery, the grandiose yet lazy California fashion, the groomed pets: it’s all on display here like rare artifacts in a museum. Its primary residents are mistakenly thought to be WASP’s but are in fact, Persians. They own the city with a bejeweled fist. One time, I was eating lunch on Beverly Drive and a gaggle of middle-schoolers were socializing next to me. At one point, a girl screamed, “Raise your hand if you’re Persian!” The pre-teens went into convulsions, jumping up and down, raising their fists. I bowed my head down, ashamed of my undesirable lineage, and returned to eating my Greek salad.

Watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was like running into an old train wreck of a friend: uncomfortable, surprising but ultimately intriguing. So far, my favorites of the season are Kim and Kyle Richards.

The city’s answer to Mary-Kate and Ashley! Kim and Kyle were like, may-hay-jor child actresses back in the 40s’. Er, I mean the 60s’ and 70s’. They were Disney girls, the original Lindsay Lohan, and they want you, dear viewers, to know that. Today, they are full-time moms but that’s their choice. They could work but they choose to be mothers. Did you hear that back there? CHOOSE TO, DAMMIT!

I’m obsessed with Kyle. The only person who’s more obsessed with Kyle Richards is Kyle Richards. As aunt to Paris Hilton, this woman would show up to every and any TV show about Paris. The Simple Life? There. She stopped by Paris’ house to say hi. She didn’t know the cameras would be there, okay?  Paris’ E! True Hollywood Story? Kyle was front row, giving expert testimony to the cameras about her delicate flower petal of a niece. But don’t think that she’s using Paris.  The only crime she’s guilty of is loving her niece too much.

Kim Richards is this season’s Girl, Interrupted. She’s fragile like imported china and has crazy eyes that look like they either know too much or too little. On last night’s premiere, she was totally needy to Kyle, all up in her business and Kyle’s just like “Can you not? I have to go get filmed for a making-of documentary for House of Wax.” And Kim was left there to just freak out about her freaky life and her sagging neck. If only she could get tapped for a lead role in the remake of Escape to Witch Mountain. No, wait. She’s a mother, dammit!