There was once was a time, in a land far far away, when Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t such a joke. It was a time in which she had a chic short haircut, dated Brad Pitt , was best friends with Winona Ryder and starred in gems such as Great Expectations, Sliding Doors and A Perfect Murder. She didn’t talk about fancy living or personal trainers or even utter the word, “macrobiotic.”  She was in her prime–the ultimate princess of the 90s’.

Unfortunately, we no longer live in the age of Gwyneth. Since we’ve entered the ’00s, Paltrow has changed a bit for the worse. She married the dopey dude from Coldplay, had two children and gifted them with the ultimate “I Have Celebrity Parents” names, and started a lifestyle newsletter called, GOOP, in which she doles out WASPy advice that is inapplicable to anyone not earning a six-figure salary. In a recent article, Paltrow provides a guide to the city of San Francisco, recommending hotels such as The Four Seasons and The Clift. Regarding The Four Seasons, Paltrow says, “Although I find that the Four Seasons can be hit and miss, this elegant and airy space right in the middle of downtown San Francisco is ideally located for walking around the heart of the city.” I know, Gwyneth. This luxury hotel CAN be hit and miss! I feel you, girl. Ugh.

GOOP is a publicist’s worst nightmare. It reveals Paltrow to be hilariously out-of-touch with the everyday American. Whether it be giving a recipe for Almond Butter and Jelly sandwiches or recommending an $80 Alexander Wang grey tee, it’s clear that Gwyneth does not live on planet budget. There seems to be a major lack of self-awareness on Paltrow’s part for her to think that her fans are able to afford her lifestyle.

Don’t get it twisted though. We always knew Gwyneth came from powerful lineage. Her mother is the actress, Blythe Danner, and her father is the deceased director, Bruce Paltrow. She went to the bougie high-school Spence in Manhattan and palled around with the city’s wealthiest kids. But in the 90s’, Gwyneth was just more relatable. Her friendship with Winona Ryder earned her many alternative points.

The two met when Gwyneth was dating Ben Affleck and Winona was dating his best friend, Matt Damon. The pair seemed to be attached at the couture until Paltrow won the part in Shakespeare In Love, a role that Ryder was in the running for. A major fall-out ensued and neither party would discuss the dissolution of their friendship.  Paltrow did, however,  recently write a thinly-veiled article about it for GOOP.

Today I can’t imagine the two being friends. Winona is too busy trying not to steal, dating indie rockers and living in Los Feliz while Paltrow is making free-range chicken with her maid and blogging about it. It just wasn’t meant to be.

I miss the boyfriends Paltrow had in the 90s’ too.

I mean, come on. They have the same hair and everything. Sister, sister. Ew, creepy.

Gwyneth and Ben were pretty cute too. Even though I still find it hard to forgive them for Bounce.

But that was then and this is now. The new Gwyneth would perhaps deem Ben Affleck as “too blue-collar Boston” and she definitely wouldn’t touch poor Winona. Her movies suck now too. Iron Man? Stop. In her latest film, Country Strong, she portrays a down-and-out country singer fresh out of rehab and eager for a comeback. It was jarring seeing Paltrow look so…middle class which is a testament to the power of GOOP, I guess. It’s hard to believe someone as alcoholic trash when you know they’re at home preparing arugula salads with truffle butter and readying their little children, Apple and Moses, for a master cleanse.

R.I.P 90s’ Gwyneth.