Watching the season finale of The Real Housewives of Orange County and the season premiere of The Real Housewives of New York City back to back was like watching two diamond-encrusted boozy trains that were destined for a head-on collision.

Orange County rounded out their most depressing season ever with an appropriately sad albeit hysterical season finale that was full of intense emotional manipulation and suburban alcoholism. Highlights included: Lynne’s daughters showing up wasted to the final party. Cast members/guests pretended to be horrified as the girls slurred their hello’s and ended up fighting with each other. The eldest daughter  stormed off in her party dress “tired of the drama” while the other one sobbed in the parking lot.  While we’re on the subject of booze and tears, Tamra lost her shit at her husband, Simon “I have hate in my eyez” Barney, and spent the episode crying on Vicki’s shoulder.  Simon, as usual, sent chills down my spine when he reprimanded Tamra for listening to Vicki’s advice on being a strong independent woman. To which, she denied, saying that she had a mind of her own and thus, didn’t listen to Vicki’s empowering advice. (Yeah, I don’t quite understand that defense either. but whatevs, bottoms up girlfriend!)

It’s not surprising that so many of the OC‘s relationships are, as Gretchen so eloquently says, “in the shitter.” By marrying these men, the women have essentially sold their souls to the devil for a split-level home in a gated community. By not working, they’re at the financial mercy of their husbands, introduced to a world of allowances and limited freedoms. It’s obvious that these men weren’t looking for wives that would be their intellectual equal. They were looking for the girl that slept through her gender studies classes in college because she was up too late baking her BF cookies the night before.

In the end, you sympathize with them. Tamra’s grief is palpable as a soon-to-be divorced mother of three with no bankable skills. As for Lynne, she needs to lay off the Vicodin she received from her facelift and work on completing full sentences before she can deal with her Drew Barrymore-inspired teenage daughters.

The Real Housewives of New York City premiere was the opposite of a downer. They’re all still crazy, logic-defyingly rich and funny. Bethenny is still my favorite although she does seem to be a bit more ego obsessed than before. As for the others, not much has changed. Ramona is still stealing her daughter’s Ritalin, Alex appears to still be content and sedated, Kelly continues to make no actual sense (Kudos to Luann for pointing out that Kelly’s metaphors are truly bizarre). Luann is as sanctimonious as ever and Jill will always be nosy, overbearing, humorous, Jewish, nuts, materialistic etc. One thing is for certain;  this season will be a welcome reprieve from the bummerfest that was Orange County.